My life had been going along almost on track - I was doing a job I enjoyed, was getting ready for the next stage in my life and career and had finally decided that the time was right to open myself up again to the possibility of finding and then falling into love. Then... one day in late February 2008.... BANG. Or, in my case - CRUMPLE. That day was the last day I walked on my own and unaided in any way.
From that moment on, my life turned into agonizing and debilitating pain, confusion, hurt, disbelief and a fight to see someone who was willing to make a decision about what to do with me. 3.75 years later, 2 surgeries later, hours and hours of failed physio, serious depression, counseling, redundancy, and the loss of friends, hobbies and life as I knew it, I think that I have now turned the corner and am finding my way back. Admittedly it is a brand new path that I am walking on (aided by Bonnie & Clyde - aka my crutches) but I figure it is about time I dragged my sorry self back.
However I am now racked by doubts about whether the path that I am now on, is in fact the right one. How do you ever know if you are doing what you are supposed to do? One day I feel confident and the next? self criticism and doubts fill my every waking thoughts no matter where I am or what it may be that I am doing. It certainly does not help that I feel that time is slipping away from me at a scarily fast speed.
Is 33 yrs old too old to go back to university? What about meeting someone and taking a chance on love? Is it too late to start dreaming again about having your own family? Being able to move out on your own and regain as much independence as you can before you need more help than you do right now? What about starting a brand new career? Will turning 37 at graduation be too old for any of those things?
Logically, I know that age should be no barrier and that anything can happen at any time, and that no, it will not be and is not too late for any of those things. Emotionally? Fear of never having any of it.
I am hoping that by taking on this university course - Psychology - it will help me make sense of my own head, and also enable me to have a brand spanking sparkling new career path.
If I could only open up my brain and remove those negative thoughts and give the rest of them a good stir!
Working part time as well is definitely getting me out of the house and talking to people. Taking a chance on love? More like taking a chance at friendships. You really do find out in times of need who you can really call friends, and I know I am lucky that a small handful stood by me and propped me up when I needed. But it did hurt and make me a bit more cynical when it became clear at just how many 'friends' I thought I could count on, let me down.
The biggest fear that I have makes itself known when I am feeling a bit down, sad or upset or tired and in the dead of night - will I end up all alone?
But, as Frank said famously - that's life! - so I am making a start at living and taking chances again. Hopping over my fears where I can and am taking each day as it comes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
From that moment on, my life turned into agonizing and debilitating pain, confusion, hurt, disbelief and a fight to see someone who was willing to make a decision about what to do with me. 3.75 years later, 2 surgeries later, hours and hours of failed physio, serious depression, counseling, redundancy, and the loss of friends, hobbies and life as I knew it, I think that I have now turned the corner and am finding my way back. Admittedly it is a brand new path that I am walking on (aided by Bonnie & Clyde - aka my crutches) but I figure it is about time I dragged my sorry self back.
However I am now racked by doubts about whether the path that I am now on, is in fact the right one. How do you ever know if you are doing what you are supposed to do? One day I feel confident and the next? self criticism and doubts fill my every waking thoughts no matter where I am or what it may be that I am doing. It certainly does not help that I feel that time is slipping away from me at a scarily fast speed.
Is 33 yrs old too old to go back to university? What about meeting someone and taking a chance on love? Is it too late to start dreaming again about having your own family? Being able to move out on your own and regain as much independence as you can before you need more help than you do right now? What about starting a brand new career? Will turning 37 at graduation be too old for any of those things?
Logically, I know that age should be no barrier and that anything can happen at any time, and that no, it will not be and is not too late for any of those things. Emotionally? Fear of never having any of it.
I am hoping that by taking on this university course - Psychology - it will help me make sense of my own head, and also enable me to have a brand spanking sparkling new career path.
If I could only open up my brain and remove those negative thoughts and give the rest of them a good stir!
Working part time as well is definitely getting me out of the house and talking to people. Taking a chance on love? More like taking a chance at friendships. You really do find out in times of need who you can really call friends, and I know I am lucky that a small handful stood by me and propped me up when I needed. But it did hurt and make me a bit more cynical when it became clear at just how many 'friends' I thought I could count on, let me down.
The biggest fear that I have makes itself known when I am feeling a bit down, sad or upset or tired and in the dead of night - will I end up all alone?
But, as Frank said famously - that's life! - so I am making a start at living and taking chances again. Hopping over my fears where I can and am taking each day as it comes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
